Choice Chat: The Open Path to My Son
Adoption has been an an awesome journey of personal growth, and has been fabulous for me and my sons. My first born son is almost nine years old and he is my birth child. My son Ollie is four and he is my adopted child.
Did you work with an attorney or an agency?
I did my adoption without an agency. First, I hooked up with Amy Silberberg, an adoption attorney, who was absolutely wonderful. She died just before my son's adoption was in place. I learned a ton from her. Then I used Children's Home Society as a resource to learn, but did not pay them to find a child for me or represent me. I think I paid $53 for my classes. I also paid for five consultative sessions over the phone about open adoption.
My son and his birth parents were represented by an agency. It was to their advantage to be with an agency. I wanted them to have good legal representation. If a birth mother or father are represented by an agency, they are entitled to a lifetime of support services regarding the adoption. I felt like I was capable of making sure I did a legal and ethical adoption with the help of an outstanding lawyer, and did not need the services of an agency. On the other hand, had the birth family not been represented by an agency I would have set the same services up for them on my own.
What made you go with domestic vs. international adoption?
I have traveled to 35 countries, most of them developing world countries. Traveling has been my passion and everyone I knew expected me to adopt internationally. I did look into it, but all along my process it was very clear to me that I should do a domestic adoption. One of my reasons: there are many, many American kids who need homes. Another: especially before the Hague Treaty was signed, international adoption seemed to me to be about economics. I wanted to know that my future child was placed for adoption for the right reasons. And I wanted the security that came from an open domestic adoption, when I knew the birth parent selected ME to be the mother of their child.
How long did the process take?
On one hand it happened right away, and on the other hand it took a year. I have a friend who is a midwife, and she had a patient who was pregnant and wanted to place the baby. I had envisioned myself with adopted kids since I was a little girl. I had not yet set the wheels in motion. My birth son was 3.5 years old, and we were beautifully and forever bonded. The time was right for us to grow our family - and here was a baby. I met with the birth mother. We made an adoption plan. I got a lawyer. I learned about transracial adoption, open adoption, adoption law, ethics and did my home study. My home study was complete on September 9th. The baby was due September 27. He surprised us all and dropped in on September 14. What a whirlwind! I was at his birth. I nursed him!!!! I took him home. I named him. I loved him. I started a college account for him. And after 2.5 months, the birth mother changed her mind. She had made her decision out of shame. She did not want her parents to know that she had become pregnant without marriage. The father was a married man. She did not speak English and did not have a full grasp on the situation. She is a perfect example of someone who needed more protection. I hired her a new Spanish-speaking lawyer who worked with her adoption lawyer and got her counseling services at a Hispanic immigrant clinic.
She changed her mind. Yes it was devastating. But I believe the only good adoption is one where you are definitely needed. If a child can be with his birth mama, then he should be there. Even if your feelings are hurt. Okay, even if I was crushed. I continued to see them for several years.
Chapter 2. I let a few months go by. I took time to think and grieve. As the new year began, I launched into the adoption process. I consulted with my attorney on states with good adoption laws for birth mothers. Then I selected the best attorneys with the best ethical standards from each state using the Quad A: American Academy of Adoption Attorneys. My attorney and I handpicked my email list. Then I sent a brief email saying that I was home-study complete and available to an adoption. I stated that I wanted an open adoption and that I was open to race.
Over the next several months I made five birth mother matches - that means that five birth mothers selected me from a large pool of profiles. And in each case the birth mother changed her mind around the time of birth. This was more devastating to my friends and family than it was to me. I knew my day, my child, would come.
And then, my sweet little man was born. Just over a year after the wheels had been set in motion by the first of five adoptions that weren't to be.
