Eyes Wide Open
What is the biggest message you want single women to understand about foster care adoption?
There are big differences between perception and reality when it comes to foster care adoption.Of course, anyone becoming a parent - through foster care adoption or any other path - needs to go into it with eyes wide open. In the case of foster care adoption, these are children who have been abused, neglected or abandoned. Yet, like every other child, they deserve a safe, loving and nurturing family and a home to call their own. And research shows that these children will benefit greatly from being permanently placed in a safe and stable home, not moving from school to school, with someone who understands their needs, is supported in the effort and who is there clearly to help them as they grow into adults. It may take time to develop trust and it requires strong support systems with people who are keyed in to what you need. But it is absolutely worth the effort!
What are the costs involved with foster care adoption?
The cost is minimal. Generally there is assistance from the state or agency. In most cases, even attorney fees will be covered for the adoption process. Home study fees are not expensive, and are often covered as well. Many children coming through the foster care system have subsidies and other support that follows them until the age of 18. There has also been a strong campaign to offer workplace benefits to families who adopt, including financial packages and time off.
Many single women are aware that they stand a better chance of placement if they are open to special needs. What exactly does it mean to be "special needs" in the foster care system?
Special needs is a misunderstood term in the foster care system. Some children do have emotional or physical challenges. But in most cases "special needs" simply means the child is over a certain age, usually eight, part of a particular ethnic group, or part of a sibling group. Many children are labeled hard to place or unadoptable because they are older, acting out or are opposed to being adopted. And yet, given their experience with the system or their prior family circumstances, this is understandable. Many of these children simply need someone who will decide it's worth the effort to invest in their future and help them become the person they are capable of being.
How can a woman decide if this is the right path for her to take?
You need to be able to answer questions such as: What am I capable of emotionally? What can I learn? Where can I get information? What is the real picture of what this child has experienced and what he or she needs? What can I do and provide to help change this child's life going forward?
Does being single make it harder to become an adoptive parent?
Being single should not matter. Make sure you have appropriate supports, as you would with any child. No one can do it all alone. Be sure you have support at work and with your family and friends who can step in and listen and help when needed. Don't fall into the trap of thinking you need to do it all on your own, or being stuck never admitting you need support. Parenting was meant to be shared with extended family, with friends, with community. Children grow and thrive in a shared environment.
If a woman decides to consider this option, what advice do you have?
Read, learn, ask questions - go into the process with your eyes (and your heart) wide open. The best effort for a child is to have a foster care team that works together. You need to be your own best advocate, and work for the kind of placement that makes sense for you, especially if you have another child in the home. Be clear about your wishes, but be open to being presented with other options. I know some families who hadn't considered a sibling group, but were flexible about considering it, and it turned out to be the best thing for all of them.
And always remember there are no perfect children, just as there are no perfect families. Parenting is always a journey and one absolutely worth the effort.
