Foster Care Tragedy and Joy
For many parents, the arrival of their child is the most important event in their lives. Adoptive parents take on an extra responsibility by choosing to love a child that was born to biological parents who might have had to make one of the most difficult decisions in their lives. Foster parents selflessly choose to love a child for no other reason than that they can.
Three principles may support your decision to become a family through foster care:
- Start with the belief that every child deserves a safe home with a permanent and loving family.
- Recognize that for many children in your community, life is a struggle rather than a joy.
- Truthfully consider whether you can offer unconditional love to a child when they need it most, with no guarantee that they will be with your family in the future.
My wife and I chose to become foster parents in 2003. As part of the process to become licensed foster care providers, we completed several hours of classroom training, underwent a complete background check, met with caseworkers to complete a home study, and provided personal references. Becoming foster parents was a journey of introspection and commitment that prepared us to be devoted parents.
After several months of waiting, and with only a couple of days notice, we became foster parents to a seven-month-old girl. Three months later, and with only a couple hours notice, we became foster parents to a two-day-old girl. In less than three months, we went from being a childless home to having two foster daughters under the age of one year. Although we tried to prepare in advance, our shopping list on the day that each foster child arrived included diapers, formula and a crib.
As foster parents to two beautiful girls who did not look like each other or their foster parents, we were exposed to non-malicious ignorance and insensitivity. We politely dealt with a perceived license to ask questions about where these children were from and their family situations, or to hear stories about international adoptions.
In addition to our commitments as parents, we also met our commitments as foster parents, including shuttling each child to regular visits with their biological parents, attending regular meetings with caseworkers, and operating within a variety of legal restrictions. We benefited from foster parenting programs, which included bridging cultural divides. Rather than being threatened by the involvement of the biological parents, we honored their role in their children's lives and supported the reunification process.
In December 2005, we finalized the adoption of our younger foster daughter as a permanent part of our family.
In March 2006, we experienced the reward of being able to reunify our older foster daughter with her biological father, stepmother, and four half-brothers.
Although these outcomes were very different, we felt rewarded by each. We had received a gift by adding a daughter to our family, but we had also given a gift by reunifying a daughter with another family. Thus is the equilibrium of adoption and foster care. One family's hope is buoyed by another family's joy.
Although foster parents are prepared to have their foster children reunified with their biological parents or families, we were not prepared to learn that our older foster daughter passed away only a few months following reunification due to abuse suffered while in the home of her biological father.
The loss of a child is perhaps one of the most tragic experiences that any parent can imagine. In this case, we grieved at the loss of our older foster daughter twice. First when we watched as she was driven away from our home for the last time, and second when we learned of her tragic death.
In spite of this tragedy, we feel that we have received two blessings. We have one daughter to hold in our arms, but we have two daughters that we will forever hold in our hearts. We are committed to being loving parents, but we are also committed to being good advocates for children who may be in the system or suffering outside of the system. We recognize that the vast majority of children in the foster care system come from good families that are suffering from bad situations.
We provided love to our foster children for no other reason than that we could. And we are committed to making a difference in the lives of other vulnerable children for no other reason than that we can. The biggest tragedy would be if nothing changed in spite of one precious little girl having lived.
We are committed to creating awareness of the needs of children that are currently in foster care and to encourage individuals to make a difference in the lives of vulnerable children within their communities.
Foster parents are cautioned to live in the moment because there is no guarantee for the future. They are part of a team whose first priority is to work toward reunification of each child with their biological parents.
We learned the power of unconditional love in both joy and tragedy.
The lessons I wish I could pass along to everyone who wants to parent: Live in the moment and cherish each day with your children. Find ways to help children in your community. Steps anyone can take include becoming a foster parent, adopting a foster child, advocating for children by becoming a Court-Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) or Guardian Ad Litem (GAL) in your community.
We can all make a difference in the world, one child at a time.
