Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.
~ Anais Nin
God's Smile
"Are we going to be together forever?"
"Forever and ever."
"Until we die?"
"Until we die."
"And when we meet in Heaven we are going to hug?"
"Absolutely."
"And God is going to smile?"
"Oh, baby, I think He is smiling already."
This is an actual conversation I had over dinner with my 8-year-old daughter. She came home with me for the first time three months ago.
There are many things I could say about adopting an older child. But nothing can express the magic as well as her own words.
I always knew I was going to be a mother. As a newly married 24-year-old, my only concerns where how many and what names. But life showed me otherwise. I would have to fight with everything I had to make it happen. After a divorce and a couple of failed relationships, I decided I didn't want to wait any longer. At 39, I was ready emotionally, physically and financially to become a mother.
In my South American country, couples wait an average of 10 years before receiving a newborn. As a single woman, I quickly realized that adopting a baby was not an option for me.
I always felt very comfortable with the idea of adopting. But in my mind it had been about adopting a baby. The idea of adopting an older child was new to me and my initial reaction was one of fear. A million questions kept going around in my head. It seemed very risky and complicated.
Fortunately, I learned about a group that helped couples and single people adopt older children. There I talked to many people who had done it and others who, like me, had more questions than answers. For anyone considering adopting an older child, this would be my first advice: talk to people who have already done it. Ask them all you need to know, and decide by listening to their experience if it is the right option for you.
It became clear quite soon in my heart that this was an option for me.
A great piece of advice I followed was to volunteer at an orphanage, hospital or any place where you can spend time with older children. See firsthand how you feel, if you enjoy the experience, if you have the patience you need, and if you can see yourself as a full-time parent of any of the children. Volunteer work with children not only is an incredibly rewarding experience, it can also be a place to meet a child who needs a family.
There are so many older children waiting for a family, who seem to be forgotten not only by those in charge of them, but also by the people who are fighting to become parents. Even though all the doubts and fears about adopting older children are valid, I have yet to meet a person who has done it and regretted it.
For most of us, motherhood is about loving, caring for and raising a child. An older child waiting and hoping to be adopted needs all the love and care you can provide.
I met my daughter over a year before she came home. During this time we were able to get to know each other and slowly create a bond that is for life. Even if she was never going to come home, and many times I feared she wouldn't, my bond to her would continue. And for that alone it was worth it.
Almost two years have gone by since I made up my mind to adopt. Some fears are gone, some are still here. But the joy my daughter has brought to my life has gone far beyond my dreams. Besides all the wonderful things that come with motherhood, adopting an older child has a unique and amazing quality: it is reciprocal.
My daughter and I share so much. I was as willing to become a mother as she was willing to have one. And we are both grateful for the miracle of having our dream come true.
The joys are endless: The pleasure of her company, our mutual discoveries, our talks. Her hugs, her smile. She even laughs at me for being nervous about my first PTA meeting.
Our love is mutual. She has adopted me as much as I have adopted her.
I am so proud of her. She has gone through a lot and come out smiling and willing to love and trust again. No matter how many times adults have disappointed her, she still gives out love with full hands. She has taught me more already than I will ever be able to teach her. Yet she is still a little girl willing to take my hand as we both face our new life together as a family.
It is not an easy road. It is long, lonesome and full of sadness. I had many fears, it would be foolish not to feel fear as you make what is probably the most important decision of your life. But in the end, the biggest fear for me was that the void I felt in my soul for not being a mother would never close. That kept me going everytime things got difficult. Today, with my daughter by my side, I can honestly say it was worth every tear.
All those years of hoping and fighting, picking up the pieces to start over again, not only made me wiser. I think they have made me a better mother. I wouldn't change a thing on the road that led me to her.
Only time will tell how well we do. But one thing is for certain: there will be good times and bad times. There are no recipes or guarantees. We'll just have to count on our love to get us through. And hope that whenever it gets rainy, God will bring out a little sun so we remember He is smiling on us.
