Post-Adoption Concerns
Many women who adopt a child experience symptoms similar to post-partum depression as they adjust to new sleeping schedules, loss of freedom, new responsibilities, and more.
It's a time of adjustment for everyone, but it has many layers and components, so again, be gentle with yourself and factor in plenty of down time as your new family settles in. Acknowledge the change that has occurred and be patient as you figure out this new family system. Some of the adjustments will need more care and attention than others, depending on you and your child's particular situation. Overall, however, expect the adjustment period to take approximately four months.
Here are things to consider in order to reduce some of the strain.
Language Interpretation - If your child is older and came from another country, you might need a language interpreter for awhile. Your agency might have someone on staff, or will refer you to one. Children are sponges when it comes to language, so it shouldn't take long for him/her to begin acquiring the English language, especially if he/she is school age and getting ESL instruction. If you adopt a sibling group, it might take longer, since they can communicate with each other and aren't forced into speaking English right away. Learn some words and phrases in your child's native tongue to help make the transition go more smoothly.
Sleeping Schedule - No matter if you adopted domestically or internationally, you can count on your child having some sleeping issues. If you take all the changes they are encountering into consideration, it seems natural that a sleeping schedule would take some time. New time zones, new surroundings, new foods, and possibly a new language will affect your child's sleep. Your child might experience nightmares for a few months. Again, so much depends on the age of your child and what he/she experienced prior to the adoption. Your child might become clingy at times and show regression, especially at bedtime. Adoption is a huge shock to everybody's system, so take your queues from your child and try not to judge their needs as their bodies continue to adjust to new surroundings. Schedules and routines are especially important during the adjustment period because they mean safety and security to your child. If your child was in an orphanage, children's home or foster care home for many years, your child will be used to structure and will expect it. You will probably need to stay regimented about activities such as meals and sleep for awhile until your child can relax into things more.
Life Books - This is a wonderful way to bond with your adopted child and to help him/her sort out their life experience. What makes Life Books unique is that it concentrates on your child's life experience prior to the adoption. This is an important piece that can be gently integrated into your child's sense of wholeness. There are Life Books workshops, plus an online step-by-step guide for creating one on your own. Ask your agency to host a Life Books workshop or point you to one in your area.
Counseling - It is important to seek counseling for your adopted child whenever necessary. Adoption is not the norm in our society, therefore your child might need assistance from professionals who understand the unique circumstances of adoption and who can help your child process according to their developmental age. Adoption will always be a part of your child's life because it is part of his/her life experience. Every developmental phase will present new challenges as well as new opportunities for your child to incorporate adoption into his/her sense of self. There is nothing fundamentally "wrong" with adopted children. They simply don't fit the mold of being conceived within a traditional family system. They have unique questions and circumstances that fit together like a puzzle. Sometimes you have the pieces for them. Other times the pieces aren't available or need to be reinterpreted by your child. Sometimes your child is working on a piece that he/she simply doesn't want to work on with you and needs someone impartial to help him/her work through it and the confusing emotions that might accompany it. Know when your child needs to speak to someone other than you and make it happen!
Support Groups - Your well-being is imperative to your child's well-being, so participate in a support group through your agency or through an organization that brings adoptive parents together. It can be so sustaining to find a group of parents who understand your experience as an adoptive parent from a specific vantage point, no explanations needed. Sometimes just listening to others and sharing stories can be freeing and uplifting. Figure out what you want in an adoption group and go from there. For instance, if you are raising a transracial family, participate in a group that is particularly sensitive to children and parents of different races. If you adopted a special needs child, you might want to be with parents who have a grasp of the issues you face on a daily basis. Open adoptions are unique as well. Figure out what kind of support you want and find the group that will best fulfill that need.
Schools - Whether your adopted child is school-aged or not, be prepared to advocate and educate at your school about adoption. Donate some books to the library. Have a social worker at your agency educate teachers at a staff meeting. There is more adoption information available today than ever before, but again, in terms of family-building structure, your child will most likely be a minority. Your child will need to work against the perception that all babies are conceived by a mom and a dad in the same family. This path to family building is becoming much more open, but it's still going to be up to you to remind the teachers, principals, social workers, and others that there are different ways to build families. Family tree charts are less popular, which is progress, but you might want to learn what your school sees as an alternative so that your child can participate comfortably. Always remember that you are the expert on your child and that even though your teacher might be comfortable talking about adoption in the classroom, your child might not want to be singled out as an example. Know your child. And know how your child wants you to be an adoption advocate.
