Choice Chat: The Complexities of Open Adoption
Question from Rose: I have been thinking about adoption, mostly international because I think domestic would take too long, be too expensive and I have heard sad stories from married couples who have had mothers change their minds at the last minute, so I imagine that my being single would be a big problem for most people. But I'm also worried about adopted children having emotional issues when they get older.
Response from Shelly: I am the mother of two fantastic sons. One is my birth child, Teddy who is 9 and one is my adopted child, Ollie who is 4. I have some experiences that you may be interested in. I lean heavily towards domestic open adoption. My second son is African American. We just spoke to his birth family yesterday. He has a large extended family and they were all gathered at his great Granny's house for dinner. We talked to his birth daddy, his great granny, his aunties and his cousins. His birth family worries about us in the cold, and for Valentine's Day they sent us plush blankets! We have a sweet, ongoing relationship with them. I think open adoption fills some of those holes that adopted children experience. I think adopted children have a sense of loss in their hearts. They know they are "different." They know someone "gave them away." As the adoptive parent it is imperative that I help mend these holes wherever possible, while knowing that I can never fully fill them. I think open adoption makes a huge difference with regard to those adoption holes.
Ollie hears his great granny and his birth daddy and his aunties and cousins on the phone. He hears their accents and he feels their love and he understands that he is part of them. They have pictures of him all over the house. We have pictures of them in albums that we can look at whenever we want. We have been to visit and they have held him and he has been enveloped in their love. We have a beautifully handwritten letter from his birth daddy written at the time of his birth, which explains why he had to place him for adoption and which explains his love for him. I talk frequently to Ollie about the genetic gifts that he has gotten from his birth daddy and from his birth mommy (who is not yet open but will open soon I hope, now that she is older and more independent).
A domestic adoption took me one year. I did suffer the loss of birth mothers changing their minds. It is sad. Excrutiating. However, in my opinion, the ideal place for a child is with his or her birth parents. If that is possible then every effort should be made to facilitate that possibility. If a child cannot be with his birth parents then adoption is best. It is for that reason that I was able to wade my way through five birth mothers in one year changing their mind at birth or near birth.
That brings up another point. I had five birth mothers choose me in one year. I was not working with an agency. I found a lawyer, got my home study complete, educated myself on laws and ethics of adoption, and then contacted the "Quad A" (the American Academy of Adoption Attorneys). I wrote a very short email saying that I was home study complete and ready to adopt an infant. I said I was open to gender and open to race and that special needs would be considered. I ended up declining a few children with special needs, believing that they could benefit by two parents to get them to all their medical appointments. I was also concerned in those cases with the quality of life of my first born son. I wasn't willing to make that decision for him. Or me.
I made birth mother matches five times in one year. I was chosen over and over again. It was amazing. One time I knew that I was competing against a fabulous couple living in Holland. I actually asked the birth mother in complete disbelief why she choose me instead of them and she simply said, very enthusiastically, "Because I chose you, Shelly!!!" We went on to develop a wonderful relationship through the last two months of her pregnancy. I had become confident about her love for her unborn daughter, and after she told me she had changed her mind I knew that it was best for the baby. It made it okay. That baby was not meant to be with me, she was meant to be with her mother.
By the way, domestic adoption is generally less expensive than an international adoption. A private adoption can be as little as $3,700. I have a friend who did a private adoption this way. Or it can be free, if you adopt through the county. It can be as high as $12,000 - $25,000, or more if you go through an agency.
In the end, when Ollie was born, it turned out to be "meant to be." Ollie and Teddy and I are a family. Ollie is happy and settled. I think I have reduced his future difficulties by maintaining an open adoption for him, continuously learning more about his culture, becoming active with regard to social and institutional racism, and by being completely open with him about who he is, where he comes from and how he happens to be in my family.
I do think he is a sensitive little soul, and I do think that is because he has a little hole in his heart. I am gentler with him than I am with Teddy. Teddy never, ever has to think about my love for him. It is automatic and rich. Unquestionable. Ollie on the other hand has reasons to wonder. He is a different color than his brother and me. He was not born to me. Strangers question if we should be together. "Is he YOUR son?" It brings things into question. I do love and adore him. My love for him is different than my love for Teddy. I am frequently in awe of my love feelings for Ollie, because they did not come to us naturally. And by that I mean only that I did not make him, I did not nurture him at conception with love, and did not nurture him in utero. I did not birth him and I do not have that natural, instant, automatic love and connection to him that I have with Teddy. What I do have is an amazing appreciation for who he is and love and adoration that is unexplainable. It does feel natural. It is one of my favorite joys in this life: To know my love for my sweet birth child and to know my love for my sweet adopted son.
Most people reject open adoption as potentially too painful if something 'goes wrong.' Shelly's passion about the importance of open adoption is what led so many families to consider her for their child. Her motto is: "All there is in the world is love and fear; make sure you're on the right side of it." She strongly believes that the more community attachments a child has, the better. She brings out a scrapbook of family photos that the birth father's family of her son compiled for him, including a wonderfully touching letter that ends: "We thank God for your mother Shelly, just knowing that you are with a loving family. I'm just writing to tell you that I do love you. Love, your birth father."
"How can it be bad for him to know that his birth father loves him and wants to remain in contact with him?" Shelly says.
