Debunking the Myth of Control
God give me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
~ The Serenity Prayer
Having an idea of where you should focus your energies during the adoption process will keep you from floundering and wasting your resources. It's about distinguishing between having control and not having control; when to exercise it and when to let go. Acknowledging the parts of the process that are out of your control simply means that you have choices, not that you have to become passive and inactive. Staying aware of when to exercise personal responsibility and when it is out of your hands will lesson your stress and allow the process to go more smoothly.
What You Cannot Control
1. Pace of Adoption Process
The pace of the adoption process is difficult to predict. Domestic adoptions sometimes depend on whether you are chosen by a birth mother from a book of prospective adoptive parents. In such cases, it has very little to do with paperwork and more to do with fate.
International adoptions will usually have a timeline based on paperwork requirements within the U.S. government as well as the country of your adoptive child. It will also depend on your flexibility regarding the age and sex of your child - flexibility has a lot to do with the speed of your adoption.
2. Foreign Governments
Working with foreign governments can be unpredictable as well as tedious. Some countries change adoption requirements frequently, while others have rigid requirements about documentation and will not approve the adoption until every piece of paperwork is signed, stamped and submitted in a specific order. It is not your job to understand why they require a certain document, so just let it go.
What is important is that your agency understands the requirements of the country you are adopting from and submits what they need. It is also helpful if your adoption agency understands cultural nuances within the country you choose so they can predict situations before they come up. For instance, if a new Director of Children's Ministry is appointed in your country of choice, the agency that understands that culture will be able to prepare you about how this might affect your process. Being one step ahead of the foreign government is invaluable and will help eliminate a few surprises. Again, stay positive and trusting that things will work out in their own way.
3. Agency Process and Home Study
Agencies specializing in either domestic or international adoptions have very strict requirements to follow when processing an adoption. This is not to make your life miserable, but it keeps the agencies accountable and responsible. Though these requirements are a good thing for both you and your child, it can be frustrating. You may feel like you are under a microscope and that your privacy is being violated. You may become frustrated knowing that women who conceive a child through pregnancy don't have to endure this same scrutiny. These feelings are normal and natural. This is inevitably a stressful part of the process. Try not to take it too seriously. Stay focused on those things that require your full attention.
The home study is another place where you may feel stress. The fact is that the home study is important, but also a formality. It's important that your home can be reported as safe and welcoming to a child, but it doesn't mean you have to redecorate, hire a cleaning service or build a new wing for your child.
Remember, if you are adopting from a foreign country, it is likely that our standard of living is much higher, so your modest accommodations will be viewed as more than sufficient in the eyes of their government. If you feel anxious about the home study, you might want to share your concerns with your social worker and allow him/her to prepare you for it before she/he even enters your home.
4. Travel Dates
Upon accepting a referral of a child, you can expect travel dates to follow. In a domestic adoption, this may require travel in your own state or to another state. In an international adoption, some countries require you to travel before you accept a referral. Some countries require one trip to meet your child and a second one to go to court and adopt your child. Some countries require one lengthy stay, ranging from a couple weeks to a couple months. Some agencies like to arrange a few adoptions at once, so you may have to wait to travel until everyone is ready to go. Some countries require this format, so that they can issue several adoptions on one court date. Other countries will give you the option to have your child escorted directly to you.
Whatever situation you find yourself in, it is important to take care of yourself as you wait. Waiting for a referral to a child and waiting to travel are the two most stressful times during the adoption process. It is a great opportunity instead to get your house ready for the arrival of your child. Things will change dramatically for you after your child comes home, so allow time for rest and relaxation as well.
5. Last Minute Changes and Delays
When dealing with foreign governments and cultures you can always count on a last-minute change or delay. As much as your agency wants things to go smoothly for you (adoption agencies, especially small ones, strive for personal referrals), they cannot control everything on the other side. Some times the U.S. government is the culprit and may pass a new law for foreign adoptions that requires additional tax documentation. These adjustments to international adoption law are not uncommon, so let the small stuff go.
6. Birth Parent Information
Domestic adoptions generally will provide you with much more information on the birth parents. International adoptions tend to provide only the minimum - sometimes only the names and nothing else. This isn't done to make things difficult for you or your child, but to protect the privacy of the birth parents. Adoption is considered shameful in many countries. If birth parent and genetic information is important to you, make this a top priority in your research process, since some countries provide more of this information than others.
7. Pre-natal Care
Pre-natal care is definitely out of your control. Domestic adoption will provide you with somewhat more peace of mind, because it is expected within our culture. You will have to depend on your agency to get you what they can, and trust them in the process of matching you with your child. Be realistic, however, that your child probably didn't have the pre-natal care that you would prefer for them.
8. Orphanage Care and Conditions
Knowing what kind of care and what kind of conditions your child had prior to adoption - especially in international cases - is something you can inquire about. Most countries will have a chronological documentation of where your child stayed and who cared for him/her prior to your adoption. However, there is no way to tell if the child bonded or attached to anyone. Your agency should be able to tell you the conditions of the orphanage or children's home that they are working with, and can talk with the director, who should have a good sense of your child's personality. Obviously, this won't tell you the whole story. Part of being an adoptive parent is that you have to be willing to acknowledge that you missed part of your child's life and that you will have to fill in some pieces as you go forward.
9. Post-Placement Requirements
All adoptions have post-placement follow up. This is natural, considering what you had to do to bring your child home in the first place. Some requirements have to do with your state and others have to do with your child's country of origin.
Agencies usually have an agreement with the orphanages and children's homes that require them to update the directors about the well-being of the child after adoption. This might entail photos every six months for a few years and a report about their developmental progress. Whatever the requirements, try to remember that your child was born in another country and that he/she is part of that country's culture. By providing these updates to your child's country of origin, you aren't in danger of losing your child, but simply building a trust that your adopted child is being treated well so that future adoptions can continue between the two countries.
What You Can Control
Particularly if you first attempted to build your family through pregnancy, you might be tired of feeling out-of-control. Adoption, which more likely guarantees a child, might be welcome. All that paperwork gives you something concrete and practical to do. You don't have to wait for doctor appointments or menstrual cycles, you can just pick up a packet and start writing. Many people talk about an energy boost that comes with filling out the application packet. Some find it cathartic.
Though filling out paperwork is something you can control - and is a wonderfully empowering move in your direction toward motherhood - remember that it is only the first step. Like any endeavor, the adoption process will have its ups and downs. You can optimize your efforts by understanding what is in your realm of control and where to channel your energies.
1. Choosing an Agency
Most agencies specialize in domestic or international adoptions, not both. Some have a niche in one country, while others have programs around the world. Most adoption agencies have monthly information sessions, which is a great way to learn about their programs and meet staff. Sometimes agencies specialize in regions like Eastern Europe, which encompass large countries such as Russia as well as small ones such as Estonia.
Every country has different requirements, age of children, and waiting periods, so be open to hearing about all the programs before settling on one. Flexibility is key, so keep an open mind and heart. The agency you like most might not offer the country program you initially wanted. Or the staff offering your country of choice might not have the personal touch you hoped for. Scouting agencies with the Internet also might be overwhelming and draining. To optimize your efforts, talk to other adoptive parents in your area and get a referral. Groups such as Families of Russian and Ukrainian Adoptees (FRUA) and RESOLVE have chapters around the U.S., with conferences, social gatherings and workshops throughout the year. They welcome prospective adoptive parents to their functions and often post events specifically for them.
If possible, pick a local agency that provides pre- and post-adoptive support and services. They will provide you easy access to continuing education, local organizations and other community resources. Plus, it is much easier to drop off missing paperwork or do a drop-in session with a social worker when the agency is nearby.
2. Filling Out Paperwork
Getting the process rolling is very much in your control. The initial application comes first. After that, the paperwork gets more involved. For international adoption, the paperwork is usually divided into sections and matched up to a payment schedule. Make sure you are clear on what the costs are and when money is due for each section of paperwork. There is usually leeway between phases, so check with your agency regarding time limitations for each section of paperwork, so you don't run out of time collecting documents and have to do it again. This part of the process also includes finger-printing, background checks, doctor evaluations, visa and passport applications. You will be in charge of making appointments and applying for documents, but how fast they are processed will not be in your control. Some documents will arrive in lightning speed while others may take weeks or months.
3. Age and Sex of Child
Your preference for the age and sex of a child is something you can think about prior to starting the adoption process. Again, try to stay as open as possible, and think "preference" versus "requirement." For international adoption, every country program is different and every agency relationship within that country is different, so not all agencies have the same access within orphanages, children's homes and foster care programs. Some may only have access to toddlers while other agencies have access to infants. Some countries have set rules, such as China, and only allow girls to be adopted out of the country. You will probably be asked if you would consider adopting a sibling if the situation warrants it. Remember, know your preference but stay open to other possibilities as well.
4. Health of Child
If you adopt domestically, the medical information provided will be more accurate, forthcoming and plentiful. International adoption usually gives you basic health information (birth weight/height, vaccines, etc.) on the child but very little, if anything, about the birth parents. Much of this has to do with cultural differences, so trust your agency professionals that they can interpret medical records in accordance to what they know about the medical culture in that particular country. Agency professionals, especially in the smaller, more personal agencies, rely heavily on their relationships with orphanage directors and trust the reputation of their agency on getting the most accurate information they can for each child. It is extremely important to agencies and the orphanage directors in each country that adoptions go well. They usually have an invested passion in creating forever families, so keep that in mind if you find medical records that are questionable or lacking in detail. If the agency stands behind the health of the child, then this should be taken into consideration. Finally, to get a specialized, unbiased opinion about your child's international medical records, check the Resources section in this book for recommended doctors who specialize in adoption pediatrics, who can evaluate your child's medical records, photos, and videos.
5. Getting Nursery/Bedroom Ready
Though you might not know exactly the age or sex of the child you will be adopting, you can put some energy into preparing a nursery or bedroom. Start looking for a crib or a bed, and flag some children's bedroom accessories in a catalogue. Put neutral paint swatches on the wall and begin visualizing. In a domestic adoption you might have an idea of the age/sex of the child you will be adopting, but sometimes very little notice before the child comes home. In international adoption, there is usually a couple weeks to a few months between getting a referral and the actual travel date, so you can use that time to channel your energies into preparing a room for your child.
6. Shower
The main decision you will have to make is whether to have the shower before your child arrives or after. Again, a lot depends on how much information you have about your pending adoption as it pertains to sex, age, arrival date, etc. If it's a domestic adoption, you might have a due date and even a sex, or you might have no information at all. With international adoption, you should have time between the referral of the child and your travel date to have a shower. You might decide to wait, however, because you don't trust the accuracy of his/her clothes size, or you want to wait until everyone is home. Trust your instincts. Most people only know how to give traditional baby showers and might pressure you to have one, so you will have to let them know that adoption presents unique circumstances and guide them through it. Don't forget to request an adoption-specific baby book (see Resources).
7. Taking Care of Yourself
It is important to take good care of yourself during this time. Treat it like a pregnancy without a due date and adjust your schedule accordingly. No need to add extras to your life at this time. Do some nesting and get ready for your child's arrival. You are expecting a child, and although it is exciting, it is also stressful.
8. Pack and Prepare for Travel
Getting ready for your trip is totally within your control. You can prepare as little or as much as you want. This mostly pertains to international adoption, but can also pertain to out-of-state domestic adoptions as well. If you anticipate a lengthy stay in your child's birth country or state while finalizing your adoption, you can plan sight-seeing trips or learn as much as you can about the language or culture. If you know the age range of the child you will be adopting, you can prepare a travel bag for your child with clothes, shoes, Ibuprofin, cold medicine, Q-tips, diapers, stuffed animals, etc. Some countries expect you to bring humanitarian aid with you, so you can organize a clothes drive in your community. If you plan to document the trip, don't forget your video camera and extra batteries.
9. Schedule Doctor Appointments
Whether adopting domestically or internationally, it is a good idea to get your child acquainted with his/her pediatrician as soon as possible. With international adoption especially, it is important that your child gets a full physical, including a check for parasites. Try to schedule this appointment as close to your child's arrival date as possible, preferably no later than a week after arrival. Inform the pediatrician that you are adopting internationally and if he/she has any experience regarding the initial check-up. If not, let them know that your child will need some specific attention regarding developmental delays and possible new vaccines if his/her medical records are incomplete or inconclusive in this area. It is very possible that your child will have a cold, ear infection, allergic reaction from traveling, experiencing new foods, new language, etc., so the sooner you get in to the doctor, the better!
10. Educating Self, Family and Friends
Adoption is very open these days, whether you are considering an open domestic adoption or international. There is a lot of information about attachment, family of origin questions, developmental timelines, and more. A great way to focus some of the stress you might be experiencing during the process is to educate yourself about parenting an adopted child. Then pass books, videotapes and more to your family and friends. Chances are, they probably know little or nothing about adoption and will be looking to you for education. Let them know what you need from them and how to talk about adoption around your child. Sometimes people will say things that are hurtful to you and/or your child. Usually this is done out of ignorance, not out of malice. By educating your network about adoption, you are helping adopted children everywhere.
