Choice Chat: The Realities of Foster Care Adoption
Question: I would be very interested in hearing stories about foster care adoption. I was thinking of trying that, but really know nothing about it.
Response from Sherri: I'd love to be able to answer any questions that you may have. I am a HUGE advocate of adoption through foster care.
In terms of the process for becoming licensed, each state is a little different in their requirements so you'd have to check with your states' department and child/family services, but this will give you an idea. I am knowledgeable of the process for the state of Texas but not so for other states. My assumption is that they would work about the same.
I have been fostering for about four years and in that time have had 14 children placed in my home. Here are my thoughts on fostering/adoption through child protective services in general:
People say, "I could never foster because I just couldn't handle it when the children leave." My response is this: As a foster parent your job is to love, care for, meet the children where they're at and give them what they need to help them move forward toward safety and permanency. The hope is that all children will be reunited with their birth families. It is their parent's right to have them there. The hope is that when they do return, you've helped them become stronger (emotionally, mentally and physically) but most importantly know that they are deserving of love, respect and safety. This is the children's right to expect of their parents.
When reuniting with their birth families is not a possibility, it your job as a foster parent to help them work toward permanency, hopefully with you, or, if not, with their new adoptive family. I've had a couple children who became open for adoption and, for personal reasons, I chose not to adopt. Remember that it is also an act of complete love to know that these children deserve the very best home that can meet their needs and to know that you may not be it. It's not about your needs, but theirs.
Remember that the mistakes are those of the birth parents. You can be angry and not understand some of the choices that the birth parents make, but never at them. For better or worse, this is where our children come from, and our children deserve for us to let that anger go - to find peace and acceptance with their past so that we can help them build a much stronger future.
Sometimes, the courts will make decisions that we don't agree with or understand. It's not our job to take on some of these legal issues. If you try to, it can drive you crazy. I think for me, this has been one of the hardest issues.
In terms of adoption, as I said before, you really have to make peace with your child's past. You can't move forward in a meaningful way with your child if you don't.
I work primarily with basic needs children who are under five. I've had mostly infants and toddlers. So the major issues I see are in utero drug exposure (my son was born crack/cocaine positive), neglect and some physical child abuse. I've also had two girls who had been sexually abused (18 months and 4.5 years old), although I only had them for six weeks.
The biggest issue I've found is attachment. You'll want to be well versed on this, as this will become VERY important when you adopt, especially if your children have had multiple placements.
About being single, I've not found it to be a hindrance in foster care/adoption, and I'm hoping that you won't either. Truth be told, the only thing that drives me nuts is the fact that the annual training requirements is per family, not individual, so I have to go to twice as many trainings as couples!!!!!
Lastly, the one thing I hold dear to my heart and I always tell myself is this: "In order for my family to be created, another was broken apart." I don't say this as though we are not deserving of having a family. Rather this helps remind me that what we are given is truly a gift, and that even if I got placement of my child right out of the hospital, he's lost something too. This is a grief that as parents we can't take away for them, but be there for them as they work through it in their time and it their own way.
All that being said, I would have not chosen to start a family any other way and I cannot imagine my life without all 14 of my kids - the good, the bad, the ugly, but most importantly the amazing.
In terms of the process to become licensed, I had to attend 25 hours of training, two home study visits, a fire/health inspection on my home. Various background checks (Federal and Internal CPS) and a TB test. This process took 2-3 months to complete.
The home inspection is mostly to make sure that your home is safe for children. You need running water, plumbing, a place for them to sleep, no exposed wires etc. Believe me, I'm not the world's best housekeeper and it's never been an issue.
I got placement of my son as a "legal risk." This means that although he was not technically free for adoption (parental rights had not been terminated) things were headed in that direction.
Know that you can become approved as an adoption-only home and be matched with children who are legally free for adoption.
My story in a nutshell: I've always know that I wanted to start a family through adoption - don't know why, I just did. I was creeping towards 30 and still hadn't found a partner and, truth be told, I wasn't looking too hard. I was VERY happy with my life and where I was at, but coming from a large close-knit extended family, I really wanted to start my own. My Mom was a single mother (I was the oldest of 3, my younger brother and sister were both special needs), so I knew that I could handle it.
I chose domestic adoption through the foster care system because (for me at least), I didn't need to go much further from my own backyard to find a child who needed a forever home. I was also open to adoption from any race and I knew of the great need for families willing to adopt transracially.
It is also very important to me personally to really give back and (I know this sounds cheesy) to make the world a better place by the time I leave.
Growing up, we were poor and things weren't always easy at home, so I felt that on many levels I could relate to some of the stories and backgrounds of the kiddos in the foster care system. I started the process shortly after my 28th birthday and had my first foster child placed in my home a few month later.
In terms of my son and how we became a family: I had a child placed with me from the time he was 8 weeks old until two weeks after his first birthday. His case was all over the place and for a while it was almost a certainty that he would become eligible for adoption. But he was returned to his birth mom. When he left, I decided that I was ready to have one that I knew would be staying. I was presented with info regarding my son and was told that he was legally free for adoption. After reading his case file, and speaking to the foster parents who had had him from the time he was three days old, I knew he was mine and we were meant to be a family.
It's been very interesting the way my thoughts on family have changed. My son's bio Mom has had 8 children, all of which have been removed by CPS and have been adopted out into the system. My son has been able to meet four of his siblings, and the others have refused contact. I guess for me this is also a HUGE frustration. My son's life didn't start the day he came into my home. He had a life with his foster family, he has a biological connection to his birth family and siblings, and I feel the need to honor that also.
But you know, my son has been overblessed considering his past. Most kids only have one Mom. He has had three: his birth mother, his foster mother and me!!
