Addressing Your Own Emotional Health
Whether adoption is your first choice or not, there will be grief. Sorrow about not sharing the experience with a beloved partner. Dismay that friends and family might not understand what the process means to you. Lack of control for some of the process. Shared loss on behalf of your adoptive child that life with the biological parent could not be maintained. Fear that an untraditional start might somehow equate with "less." Perhaps disappointment that a personal pregnancy could not be achieved.
It is important to grieve your dream of conceiving your child, or embarking on parenthood with a partner, or whatever else might be troubling you, so that you can come to a fresh perspective about adoption. You aren't doing anyone a favor if your adoption of a child is motivated by grief and loss. In fact, this can be detrimental and set your relationship up for failure.
No child wants to be saved. They want to be loved and respected for who they are, and acknowledged for the gifts that they will undoubtedly bring to your life. So, do your grief work. Even if you think you are not suffering. Do it for yourself, your child and for your relationship as a whole.
The key to grieving is not to short-circuit the process by going around it, but rather to go through it by allowing it to gently unfold. Like any life struggle, grief - when respected and acknowledged - will deepen your senses and bring more appreciation to your life.
Krista Post, a licensed psychologist who works with clients dealing with infertility, pregnancy loss and family building options, says that it is important for single woman to acknowledge if adoption is Plan B, or even C or D. With this kind of compounded grief, she encourages her clients to use activity to fuel their hopes again. This doesn't mean to simply acknowledge their feelings, but to take steps into action, such as meeting with other women who have adopted or attending an information session on adoption. This not only begins to move the client toward a recreated vision for her family, but it also gives her the opportunity to discover whether she wants to adopt, or whether she is suffering from a deeper issue, such as depression, that might keep her her from moving forward.
The guarantee of a child through adoption might be the first hopeful thought you encounter as you move through your grief. This seed of hope should not be mistaken for actually welcoming adoption as your path to motherhood. This is why you need to sincerely determined whether adoption is for you. What an adopted child needs is a mother who has done her own grief work so that she can help them do their own. Just like you wouldn't expect someone else to grieve your dreams and losses for you, your child will be looking to you to coach them through their own grieving process.
Following are the common stages of grief and loss. They don't necessarily happen in this order. And you might experience them in fragmented ways. It is important to allow each layer to unfold in its own way. It doesn't matter how many times you enter a stage, or how long you stay there, unless you begin to feel stuck or overwhelmed to the point that it is hard to function in your everyday life. This is when you should seek out a professional who specializes in grief and loss.
Denial/Isolation - This stage is sometimes represented as the "No, not me!" stage. This might be the first stage you experience. Adoption might be the furthest thing from your mind at this poin,t because of your own disbelief of your situation. During the adoption process, this stage might pop up again and translate into anxiousness and excessive worrying, especially around things you can't control within the adoption process (see next section).
Anger/Resentment - This stage might pose the question, "Why me?" You might experience unexpected feelings of anger, rage and resentment toward people, places and things. Everything and everyone is a target, including your social worker, agency workers, and others.
Fear/Bargaining with God - This stage is also know as the "Let's make a deal"stage. This is usually a final attempt to hang on to the dream and push away the loss. For example, if pregnancy was your initial goal, this might come in the form of trying to conceive one last time. This would be a good time to focus your energies on things you can control (see next section).
Sadness/Depression - During this stage, you might express a deep sadness about the circumstances of your family-building journey. This sadness might revolve around being forced to change your paradigm of what you thought you could control and what you actually can control. This stage might come earlier or later in the grief cycle, but is instrumental in opening the gates to acceptance and moving forward. This is a particularly important stage to watch, requiring professional counseling if a lengthy depression sets in. During the adoption process, this stage might occur during the happiest of moments when you have a child referred to you. It might have a surreal sense of reality attached to it that intimates: "This is real, this is actually happening, I'm finally going to be a mom!" (See also the article about post-placement syndrome in the next section.)
Acceptance - This is the final stage of the grief cycle and leads to a quiet expectation of the future. This stage doesn't necessarily have anything to do with joy or happiness, but rather a place of rest after the process of mourning is completed. Again, this is the ideal place to be in when beginning to pursue adoption, but for some this acceptance will come piece by piece as you move through the adoption process. Expect to encounter all the stages of grief at different times during the adoption process. You might have more layers than you think, so be patient with yourself.
How to Be Proactive
The good news about the grief cycle is that you don't have to let it run your life. In fact, it is advisable that you take a proactive role in allowing it to run its course by focusing your energies where they will be most productive.
Of course, distractions might be helpful and necessary at times, but shouldn't become habit. For instance, throwing yourself into your work and/or seeking overtime on a regular basis will, at best, prolong the grieving process and, at worst, stifle it completely. Right now, your most important job is to be aware of how you are or are not grieving. Having this intention alone will guide you and provide you with opportunities to express your grief in a healthy way.
1. Set Boundaries
One way to make sure you are giving yourself opportunities to grieve is to set boundaries with people. Friends and family generally instinctively want to help you build your family. Not unlike a death, people fumble for words and cliches because they are uncomfortable with your grief. In fact, our whole culture is uncomfortable with grief, and it is very likely that you will eventually get the message that "you should be over it by now." People usually say this indirectly, so if you feel like people are avoiding you or acting insincerely upbeat around you, you are probably right. Just remember that it isn't you they are uncomfortable with, it's your grief. Setting boundaries simply means surrounding yourself with those who listen rather than give advice, and taking a break from those who don't. You want to be around those who accept you and your grief as it comes and don't expect anything from you. When you discover these kinds of people in your life, they are truly worth holding on to, so don't let them go.
2. Put Yourself First
Grieving is all about being aware of yourself and your needs. What seemed like an easy daytime schedule before might need to be adjusted. Never assume the changes you make to your schedule are permanent, but are temporary - that way you can relax into the new schedule without adding another layer of grief. Your energy flow needs to be focused, realistic and all about the present situation. To think you can work a 9-to-5 job, cook, clean and take care of others does not allow much time for you to manage self-care. You will need to prioritize your life to accommodate your grieving.
3. Physical Well-Being
As you grieve, it is also important to address your physical well-being. Some find exercise meditative, while others experience it as a physical release of thoughts and emotions. Knitting, crocheting or some kind of craftwork are relaxing during times of grief and loss, as long as you don't worry about the outcome of the project. It doesn't matter what you do, just do something to give your body an outlet.
4. Keep a Sense of Humor
If you're tired of crying and biting your nails, try laughter. It's an emotional release and much more fun! Go see a comedy with your friends. Act like a kid for a day. Find something humorous about your current situation.
5. Let Go
This is the ultimate gift that will come from addressing your grief as it pertains to your emotional health. It suggests an invitation to keep life simple and to take one day at a time. This might include savoring a hot bubble bath, reading a new novel, spending an entire day watching your favorite movies. It means nurturing yourself on the inside by treating yourself with love and care. It's about finding the wisdom in what you can and cannot control and learning from it.
